Greetings! We here in North Philadelphia would like to take the opportunity to extend a hand toward our friends in the surrounding communities, and invite you all to partake in what we, an overlooked portion of the city, feel like is a year-long celebration of renewal. Yes, in the past, we admit, North Philly has been more easily linked to "psychopaths" or "pools of urine casually lining the sidewalks" than any sort of "brotherly love." But we are taking GREAT strides in a direction that we strongly believe will rid us of the chains of disgust and despair we currently walk with.
In the past few years, old North Philly has acquired a few cherished nicknames. "Killadelphia." "Murder City." "The Scream Pit." "The Asshole of a Nightmare." Although recently, yes, we have shattered our own record in yearly homicides, our top notch police force is always ready to help in any way they can, whether it be calling a citizen a "fucking dumbass" to their face or using their sirens to through red lights. Why, we're proud to report a police encounter from a few weeks back on Temple University campus!
TEMPLE POLICE OFFICER: Gimme that bag.
TEMPLE STUDENT WITH BAG: N... no.
TEMPLE POLICE OFFICER: I SAID GIMME THE FUCKING BAG!
*Officer snatches bag away from student and rifles through it. Inside he finds nothing illegal.*
TEMPLE POLICE OFFICER: Get the fuck out of here.
But let's not leave it all up to the police! Why, located on North Broad Street is a man who stands on his roof and yells at people to get off his front steps with a bullhorn. If they do not comply, he simply hurls a bucket of water down at them, much like how a castle would defend itself from invaders in olden times. Except in this case, the castle is a happenin' apartment complex, and the king is a crazy person. Kudos to you, citizen!
And let us not forget our fair city's recycling initiative. Easy to figure out and simpler to take part in, all one has to do is find out what color-coded week they fall under and put their recycling out on the assigned day of said week. Confused? You shouldn't be, you "fucking dumbass!" (Right, police? Ha, ha!) Just get online, navigate through an endless series of sites, and voila! You're recycling may or may not be picked up.
With new techniques and a proven system, we're thinking its the beginning of a new, pleasant age for North Philadelphia. Recently, blockbuster film Transformers 2 filmed at a few locations in our town, and we're proud to say it shut down traffic and caused massive delays for all those choosing to go out in public for a few days. Hurrah!
And just remember! Never complain about the police department, or they won't show up when a crackhead breaks into your house, steals your DVDs and takes a shit on your coffee table.
And dear god, never park your car on the street.
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