The Ninja Gaiden II Diaries, Part One

I started playing Ninja Gaiden II yesterday, and the best way I can describe it is "Power Rangers but with brutal, endless violence." So ridiculous did I find this concept that I have kept a ninja diary of my actions:

Day 1
I began my journey today.

It all started when a blonde woman who looks like Uma Thurman walked into a bar wearing what looked like clothing but may have actually been hardened tar. Claiming to work for the CIA (I found it more believable that she was filming a soft core porno), she was immediately kidnapped by ninjas with three swords on each of their hands.

I showed up and was like, "What's going on here?"

And they were like, "This unconscious woman was asking for directions to the back of our van and we were just showing her."

I'm thinking, how stupid do they think I am? I asked them this in the form of ripping their torsos off their bodies. One got the jump on me, but I thankfully remembered to wear my special ninja vest, which explodes when I get stabbed but only hurts the person attacking me.

And then a spaceship/helicopter appeared and took away Not Uma Thurman! They took her to an office building and some more of those claw-ninjas took turns slapping her.

I checked the front door. It was locked.

I went with Plan B: Jump off the roof of the skyscraper next door and hurl my body through a plait glass window.

"What's up, guys?" my sword asked, while grinding pounds and pounds of human flesh into hamburger meat.

Some ask me why I would do so much for someone I've never even met, but its pretty hard to make friends when you can't let someone touch you without the very high possibility that you will explode.

So, the one guy came at me pretty hard. I was like, "Bring it on, dude," not really sure why his confidence level was so high. I mean, he hired and trained, like, 600 ninjas to protect him and they were all now the principle component of the blood trail leading from the window I came through to where I was standing at that very moment.

Well, he transformed into a spider-beast right before my eyes, which I thought was pretty fucking crazy, but no one else seemed to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want to look like a douche so I didn't say anything; but of course I murdered him.

I didn't like the look that woman in the trench coat was giving me as she took off in the spaceship/helicopter with Not Uma Thurman, so I sent a couple of ninja stars her way. Just a couple of warning shots. Whatever.

And then this bitch tosses Not Uma Thurman off the god damn ship! She comes hurtling toward the ground at a speed that would have certainly shattered her spinal column, but I closed my eyes and caught her somehow. Anyways, I'm definitely going to ice that trench coat lady when I see her again.

So, I found out this same evil group, "Black Spider Gang" or something, had set a dojo on fire, so I went there, which was good, because I wasn't really sure what to do next anyway.

I get there and of course there's all these god damn ninjas again, but now some of them can teleport, which I thought was confusing, but whatever. They're dead now. So I reach the main chamber--oh, I forgot, I had to shoot an arrow into a glowing orb in order to get into this "dragon's mouth" passage... it was trippy--anyways, I reach the main chamber, and I've got to fight this crazy asshole whose all but indestructible while the building's burning down all around us, and I'm not sure, but I think he's my father or something.

I have not eaten in six days.