"This is the last time we're going to fund one of your little 'projects,' Vincent."

"Do you drive a convertible, but live with your parents?

Do the neighbors complain about your loud music... even though its Creed?

Broken your expensive sunglasses in a violent sneezing fit?

Wrestled a bear into submission only to discover it was hibernating?

Taken years of martial arts training, only to be accidentally shot in the spine by your 4-year-old neighbor?

If you're almost cool, but not quite ready to take the trip down Awesome Lane, then call me, the temptooist! I can get your arm looking like you spent a rough night getting drunk and pissing on strippers in Atlantic City, only to erase any evidence that you ever stumbled into my parlor and demanded a screaming eagle clawing out the eyes of a unicorn etched on your spinal column. Its like living the dream, but only as long as you can stand it!"

"If you're sick and tired of your friends laughing at you when you want to stay home on Friday and macrame, then finally, take them up on their offer and head on out to your local temptoo parlor, where we make your dreams... disappear forever!"

Speaking of cool, HBO is making a show about how giant Thomas Jane's dick is.

EDIT: I had a dream last night that I was playing Ninja Gaiden II and doing reasonably well. Weird that 1.) I dream about video games I have not played in weeks and 2.) In my dream, a concoction built from my own subconscious desires, I was only doing reasonably well.

No Promises: A Message from the North Philadelphia Tourism Board

Greetings! We here in North Philadelphia would like to take the opportunity to extend a hand toward our friends in the surrounding communities, and invite you all to partake in what we, an overlooked portion of the city, feel like is a year-long celebration of renewal. Yes, in the past, we admit, North Philly has been more easily linked to "psychopaths" or "pools of urine casually lining the sidewalks" than any sort of "brotherly love." But we are taking GREAT strides in a direction that we strongly believe will rid us of the chains of disgust and despair we currently walk with.

In the past few years, old North Philly has acquired a few cherished nicknames. "Killadelphia." "Murder City." "The Scream Pit." "The Asshole of a Nightmare." Although recently, yes, we have shattered our own record in yearly homicides, our top notch police force is always ready to help in any way they can, whether it be calling a citizen a "fucking dumbass" to their face or using their sirens to through red lights. Why, we're proud to report a police encounter from a few weeks back on Temple University campus!

TEMPLE POLICE OFFICER: Gimme that bag.
TEMPLE STUDENT WITH BAG: N... no.
TEMPLE POLICE OFFICER: I SAID GIMME THE FUCKING BAG!
*Officer snatches bag away from student and rifles through it. Inside he finds nothing illegal.*
TEMPLE POLICE OFFICER: Get the fuck out of here.

But let's not leave it all up to the police! Why, located on North Broad Street is a man who stands on his roof and yells at people to get off his front steps with a bullhorn. If they do not comply, he simply hurls a bucket of water down at them, much like how a castle would defend itself from invaders in olden times. Except in this case, the castle is a happenin' apartment complex, and the king is a crazy person. Kudos to you, citizen!

And let us not forget our fair city's recycling initiative. Easy to figure out and simpler to take part in, all one has to do is find out what color-coded week they fall under and put their recycling out on the assigned day of said week. Confused? You shouldn't be, you "fucking dumbass!" (Right, police? Ha, ha!) Just get online, navigate through an endless series of sites, and voila! You're recycling may or may not be picked up.

With new techniques and a proven system, we're thinking its the beginning of a new, pleasant age for North Philadelphia. Recently, blockbuster film Transformers 2 filmed at a few locations in our town, and we're proud to say it shut down traffic and caused massive delays for all those choosing to go out in public for a few days. Hurrah!

And just remember! Never complain about the police department, or they won't show up when a crackhead breaks into your house, steals your DVDs and takes a shit on your coffee table.

And dear god, never park your car on the street.

The Ninja Gaiden II Diaries, Part One

I started playing Ninja Gaiden II yesterday, and the best way I can describe it is "Power Rangers but with brutal, endless violence." So ridiculous did I find this concept that I have kept a ninja diary of my actions:

Day 1
I began my journey today.

It all started when a blonde woman who looks like Uma Thurman walked into a bar wearing what looked like clothing but may have actually been hardened tar. Claiming to work for the CIA (I found it more believable that she was filming a soft core porno), she was immediately kidnapped by ninjas with three swords on each of their hands.

I showed up and was like, "What's going on here?"

And they were like, "This unconscious woman was asking for directions to the back of our van and we were just showing her."

I'm thinking, how stupid do they think I am? I asked them this in the form of ripping their torsos off their bodies. One got the jump on me, but I thankfully remembered to wear my special ninja vest, which explodes when I get stabbed but only hurts the person attacking me.

And then a spaceship/helicopter appeared and took away Not Uma Thurman! They took her to an office building and some more of those claw-ninjas took turns slapping her.

I checked the front door. It was locked.

I went with Plan B: Jump off the roof of the skyscraper next door and hurl my body through a plait glass window.

"What's up, guys?" my sword asked, while grinding pounds and pounds of human flesh into hamburger meat.

Some ask me why I would do so much for someone I've never even met, but its pretty hard to make friends when you can't let someone touch you without the very high possibility that you will explode.

So, the one guy came at me pretty hard. I was like, "Bring it on, dude," not really sure why his confidence level was so high. I mean, he hired and trained, like, 600 ninjas to protect him and they were all now the principle component of the blood trail leading from the window I came through to where I was standing at that very moment.

Well, he transformed into a spider-beast right before my eyes, which I thought was pretty fucking crazy, but no one else seemed to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want to look like a douche so I didn't say anything; but of course I murdered him.

I didn't like the look that woman in the trench coat was giving me as she took off in the spaceship/helicopter with Not Uma Thurman, so I sent a couple of ninja stars her way. Just a couple of warning shots. Whatever.

And then this bitch tosses Not Uma Thurman off the god damn ship! She comes hurtling toward the ground at a speed that would have certainly shattered her spinal column, but I closed my eyes and caught her somehow. Anyways, I'm definitely going to ice that trench coat lady when I see her again.

So, I found out this same evil group, "Black Spider Gang" or something, had set a dojo on fire, so I went there, which was good, because I wasn't really sure what to do next anyway.

I get there and of course there's all these god damn ninjas again, but now some of them can teleport, which I thought was confusing, but whatever. They're dead now. So I reach the main chamber--oh, I forgot, I had to shoot an arrow into a glowing orb in order to get into this "dragon's mouth" passage... it was trippy--anyways, I reach the main chamber, and I've got to fight this crazy asshole whose all but indestructible while the building's burning down all around us, and I'm not sure, but I think he's my father or something.

I have not eaten in six days.