Because my roommates were playing D&D for eight hours and I had my bedroom door open. And yeah, for you D&D MASTERS, I know eight hours can sometimes just be the prologue, but come on. This is the first song I know. Just dance with me.
… And so it was from the moat house the party traveled forth, satisfied to leave behind them one of the more disemboweling areas of their long journey. Andy stroked his orange dwarf hair and drummed his fingers on the horn that was habitually around his neck. It was reserved for emergencies; calling others to his aid when overwhelmed. As his barbaric nature often took hold in the heat of combat, the horn was of little use to him.
The moat house had required four separate horn blows.
The silence between them was not without a purpose. Although more often than not, the riches discovered at the end of a nightmarish passage far surpassed the struggles encountered while traveling through it; yet, in their previous saga, mistakes had been made. Andy now repeatedly turned to give disgruntled looks to his partner, Mike, hoping the words he wished to express would come to him.
He was glad Mike was in wererabbit form. As a human, Mike was a 173 year old man with a beard the length of a swinging vine. It was much harder on the conscience to get upset with someone who looked not only like a powerful wizard, but also, his great-grandfather, had he been 4 four feet shorter. It often felt as though Mike were less of a companion, and more like he was dragging home his dead dog on a sled. And the dog had been his best friend.
Mike unleashed an animalistic cough. In his wererabbit form, he was a hulking beast that walked with a dramatic lurch, spewing whatever fluid got to the top of whatever hole without much discrepancy. Andy sighed again, louder this time, at the sight of a six foot rabbit with ingrown teeth and a lazy eye walking in a somewhat straight line next to him. At least he wasn’t a snake anymore.
“Why the hell did you pick that serpent form, anyway?” Andy asked, his tone striking an angry, low-pitched growl.
“I was feeling traitorousssssss,” Mike replied, flapping his tongue like an insane person.
“You’re not a snake anymore.”
Mike let silence build up between them again before he cleared his throat, making a noise that for a human would probably signify death, rather than a normal, bodily housekeeping procedure.
"I think maybe we should have a moment for our fallen comrade," he finally heaved. "She... she... yeah."
Layla had been the most notable casualty of the moat house. The elf was ageless, of course, but frail as all holy hell, the physical equivalent of a 500-year-old human woman. The flesh didn't so much hang from her bones as it clung to them for dear life. And she was angry... so... brooding and angry. They would often awaken to find her sleeping in a tree.
"Aye," Andy stated.
They bowed their heads and let the natural snaps and groans of the old woods take over.
"Though she was kind of a bitch."
"She was definitely stealing gold, in a way that I would know about it but couldn't prove anything," Mike added to Andy's sentiment almost immediately. "That's all she ever wanted to do. 'Search the area for gold.' God damn elf."
It was because of Layla that the trip had been so murderous, mainly due to her own murder. A pitch black, stone chamber filled ankle-deep with human bones was usually an indicator that something decidedly undesirable was dwelling within. Setting up camp for any amount of time would be considered an ignorant and exhaustively oblivious notion.
"All right, let's move on," Andy had exclaimed, sprinting toward the sunlight that peaked through some holes in the structure. "I think we can bring this wall down. Layla, use your 'dagger scream' on it."
"Screw you mindless sacks of moose piss."
Already she had started searching the far corners of the room for treasure, making her voice the only evidence that she was even there. "Go on without me. I'm busy."
Mike slithered down from the tower's crest. "There's a village not far in the distance! We can make it in a few hours if we get slithering."
"Will you shift out of snake form, please?! There's still a pirate horde tracking us after our visit to the last town," Andy pleaded.
Layla smiled at the memory. She'd beaten a pirate captain to death with a bloody dragon's head in front of his crew. Then she got off his corpse and called them all "cunts."
A quick escape had been required. Andy's recollection of the scenario was met with less nostalgia than Layla's.
"Hell's teeth, Layla, let's go!" he yelled. "We have plenty of gold."
Layla's bony arm gave him the finger, but in the darkness, he didn't see it. He also didn't see her steal some gold from his pocket.
That's about when a series of suspicious, eight-legged thumps dropped off the ceiling.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Movie Ideas for Danny Glover
SPRING BROKE
In order to prove he's got soul, 35-year-old college student Todd Yootzee (David DuChovony) plans the student film of a lifetime. Unfortunately, his plan to simply stay on campus throughout the week while the dorms are closed gets a little hairy... especially with the Dean around to catch his every move!
Todd may not have the ambition, but he sure knows how to party! With boobs, beer, and a little bit of boobs, Todd's movie may just sweep the film festivals and let him stay in college forever... and throw the HUGEST PARTY.
Danny Glover gives a strong performance as Dean Jackson Highfire, a grumpy old fart who was recently accused of murdering his wife.
THE DENVER COUNTY CORN COBBS
Danny Glover IS Chester Nickleby. He and his barber shop quartet, the Corn Cobbs, are becoming quite a hit in their small town, when they make it big and are invited to the National Barbershop Quartet Championship in Nebraska! As they prepare to leave, Chester and his bandmates, Efrem, Schmitty, and Dillhole, are forced to take a good look at themselves, and old secrets come up that may have been best to keep quiet! Packing all their things and saying a few good byes, all of their lives are explored to show how they got to where they are... and where it's going to take them! Keep an eye out for the mind-blasting execution scene, and a cameo by Quentin Tarantino as "Rapist #18."
SKY BEAST: DAWN OF THE UNDERLORDS
In a post-apocalyptic world, land has become untouchable... festering with earth-devouring fumes and chemicals, the last humans alive live high up in the atmosphere, and over the time, the intense pressure has made them harder... tougher... stronger.
When they're not struggling to stay alive, they're keeping things as extreme as can be... 800,000 miles above the ground. Street racing has been replaced by cloud racing, and the gangs of this new society race in high-powered action jets, streaking across the sky at unsafe speeds. If they aren't testing the limits, they're shaking off a tail from the sky-cops, who are always trying to bring them down.
Its up to Chief Josiah Octane (Glover) to shut them down... for good. Little does he know, that the human population... is about to get a little smaller. A race of demons breaks free from the surface far below and, moving upward, discover the humans and begin to feed their terrible hunger. Can Josiah Octane and the sky-gangs of the future form a strong enough, if only temporary, truce, to stop the UNDERLORDS?
The reunion of Angels in the Outfield stars Glover and Joseph-Gordon Levitt will win critics over with its non stop battering ram of awesome. Levitt is gang leader Chet Jetstream, whose had a falling out with Octane in the past. Check out this scene where they meet for the first time after becoming enemies:
In order to prove he's got soul, 35-year-old college student Todd Yootzee (David DuChovony) plans the student film of a lifetime. Unfortunately, his plan to simply stay on campus throughout the week while the dorms are closed gets a little hairy... especially with the Dean around to catch his every move!
Todd may not have the ambition, but he sure knows how to party! With boobs, beer, and a little bit of boobs, Todd's movie may just sweep the film festivals and let him stay in college forever... and throw the HUGEST PARTY.
Danny Glover gives a strong performance as Dean Jackson Highfire, a grumpy old fart who was recently accused of murdering his wife.
THE DENVER COUNTY CORN COBBS
Danny Glover IS Chester Nickleby. He and his barber shop quartet, the Corn Cobbs, are becoming quite a hit in their small town, when they make it big and are invited to the National Barbershop Quartet Championship in Nebraska! As they prepare to leave, Chester and his bandmates, Efrem, Schmitty, and Dillhole, are forced to take a good look at themselves, and old secrets come up that may have been best to keep quiet! Packing all their things and saying a few good byes, all of their lives are explored to show how they got to where they are... and where it's going to take them! Keep an eye out for the mind-blasting execution scene, and a cameo by Quentin Tarantino as "Rapist #18."
SKY BEAST: DAWN OF THE UNDERLORDS
In a post-apocalyptic world, land has become untouchable... festering with earth-devouring fumes and chemicals, the last humans alive live high up in the atmosphere, and over the time, the intense pressure has made them harder... tougher... stronger.
When they're not struggling to stay alive, they're keeping things as extreme as can be... 800,000 miles above the ground. Street racing has been replaced by cloud racing, and the gangs of this new society race in high-powered action jets, streaking across the sky at unsafe speeds. If they aren't testing the limits, they're shaking off a tail from the sky-cops, who are always trying to bring them down.
Its up to Chief Josiah Octane (Glover) to shut them down... for good. Little does he know, that the human population... is about to get a little smaller. A race of demons breaks free from the surface far below and, moving upward, discover the humans and begin to feed their terrible hunger. Can Josiah Octane and the sky-gangs of the future form a strong enough, if only temporary, truce, to stop the UNDERLORDS?
The reunion of Angels in the Outfield stars Glover and Joseph-Gordon Levitt will win critics over with its non stop battering ram of awesome. Levitt is gang leader Chet Jetstream, whose had a falling out with Octane in the past. Check out this scene where they meet for the first time after becoming enemies:
EXT. WINDSWEPT SKY-PLATFORM - DAY
Octane: You never were one for the rules, if I remember, Jetstream.
Jetstream: Some of us ain't got time for rules, Chief. Some of us just wanna see how far the devil'll let us go.
Jetstream lights a cigarette and looks out toward the sunset.
Octane: Well, if you’re not trying to go to hell, son... you gotta funny way of showing it.
Jetstream turns around, eyes filled with rage and the fire of a thousand suns.
Jetstream: I’m not your
Octane: I should’ve broken your spine when I had the chance.
Jetstream: You never had the chance.
Octane: Oh, I had it. I’m sure you’ll go to sleep again.
Jetstream runs at Octane, his pistol drawn. Octane draws a six foot blade off his back and assumes a combative stance. Both are screaming war cries at a constant rate.
Suddenly, a DEMON bursts up from below the platform. He’s a giant, with glowing eyes and a torso the size of a house. He levitates and fires VOLCANIC LASERS OF MAGMA out his eyes, letting loose a hideous scream. Octane flips through the air and slashes at the beast, delivering a hardy kick. It lets out a whimper and falls to the ground as the top of its body slides off the bottom and falls down into oblivion.
Another ENORMOUS DEMON pops up on the other side, closer to Jetstream. Chet cockily turns to the adversary, and is about to fire his pistol when the creature takes a swipe at him with his claw. Chet loses his step and it appears the demon has him…
CRAAAAACK. Chet pulls off a terrific dodge and lands on the claw, breaking all the demon’s fingers. Immobilized with pain, the creature screams. Chet walks away, then turns around swiftly, pointing his pistol at the demon.
Octane: NOOOOOOOO!
Chet fires on the beast. It bleeds FIERY LAVA, which spills onto the platform they are on, disintegrating it. The entire structure begins to fall, plummeting down, down, through the stratosphere.
Jetstream: YAAAAAAA!
Octane: Here we go AGAAAAAIINNNN, MOTHA FUCKAAAAAA!!!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Out of Beer
First, read this.
Now, read this:
EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
A gathering of neighbors are standing around a BBQ pit. Some meat is roasting. The quiet murmurs of conversation initiating are highlighted by the soothing sound of the fire blazing merrily. A few steps away from the main group stands AMILCAR GUERRA, 38, dark hair and a devilish goatee on his used face. He glares menacingly down the road in front of him.
Behind him, CARMEN, his wife, walks up with an empty beer case.
CARMEN: We're out of beer!
AMILCAR: I know.
He pounds the rest of the beer in his hand and throws it to the ground harshly.
AMILCAR: They just went out to get more.
Carmen stares at her husband, confused.
CARMEN: What--
AMILCAR: Those mother fuckers are getting shitty beer, I know it. I should've gone.
CARMEN: Why would they get shitty beer? They're going to drink it too.
AMILCAR: But they know how much this BBQ means to me and my career as trailer park BBQ supervisor! If I'm misrepresented because they get some cheap piss water, I'm finished! The board's gonna have my ass, Carmen!
Carmen looks over at the party attendees at the BBQ pit. One of them is urinating into it while the others cheer him on. He drunkenly falls into the pit, screaming.
CARMEN: The people who live in this trailer park live here because they've been excommunicated from every other venue you can set foot in, including churches and family events.
Amilcar waves at the group.
AMILCAR: Wonderful day! You guys are number one to this community!
A few of them wave back, smiling, as they attempt to put out the flames that are now all over the guy who had been pissing in the BBQ pit. He rolls back and forth on the ground, screaming. Amilcar turns back to his wife, stone-faced.
AMILCAR: Gaspar, Nery, and Andres have been attempting to usurp my position for four months. One slip up, and they're ready to slither in and declare "martial trailer park law." You know what happens then?
He spreads his arms wide in a dramatic fashion.
AMILCAR: Chaos! Fucking CHAOS! Horses breathing fire, running through our streets! The Army gets in here and starts poking people in the eye! Roving packs of wild dogs become the dominant life form! Man is forced to retreat to his most primitive instincts, hunting mammoths for food, while constructing shelter out of dinosaur bones.
Amilcar's rant ends and he slowly turns to face his wife again.
AMILCAR: Infant mortality rates will sky rocket. All on my watch. I am not prepared to let that happen!
Carmen stares at her husband.
CARMEN: Are you drunk?
Just then, a PICK-UP TRUCK pulls onto the scene, one man driving, GASPAR, and two seated in the bed, NERY and ANDRES. Music blares as they slurp down beers and the truck comes to a sudden halt. The people at the BBQ pit cheer upon the arrival and abandon putting the guy on ground out, heading over for the beer re-supply truck.
Amilcar stares. Carmen tries to grab his arm, but he pulls away. Slowly marching over to the truck, his evil, penetrating stare does not leave the three amigos. Gaspar, Nery, and Andres are passing out beers to the crowd surrounding them, and Amilcar grabs one out somebody's hand. He takes a deep drink, and his EYES go wide with rage.
AMILCAR: You slithering SERPENTS!
The party goes silent with confusion at the bizarre accusation. Gaspar looks down at the angry Amilcar.
GASPAR: Excuse me?
AMILCAR: This beer tastes like watered-down diarrhea. Are you trying to turn this BBQ into a mass grave?!
Gaspar SIGHS, weary.
GASPAR: Amilcar, not again. You asked us to go get beer. We went and got beer. I'd have let you come, but you know you're to be arrested on sight if you set foot in the distributor again. Remember? Remember when you tried to drown that stock boy in a half-keg because he sneezed at you from across the store?
Amilcar laughs uproariously.
AMILCAR: No one believes your lies, Gaspar, or the sinuous actions of your pathetic cohorts! These people want to to enjoy themselves, not wonder whether or not they've got tapeworms!
GUY WITH BEER: I already have tapeworms.
Andres takes a step forward.
ANDRES: Maybe you better just settle down, Amil--
Amilcar pulls a SMALL KNIFE out of his pocket and STABS Andres in the hand. The blade is too weak to do any real damage, and Amilcar takes a swipe across Andres' chest as well. Andres is more annoyed than wounded.
ANDRES: What the f--did you just try to murder me?
Nery takes a step forward.
NERY: Hey man, that's not cool--
Amilcar turns on him and in a flurry of stabbing motions, brings the knife down on Nery, and as Gaspar jumps off the truck to aid his friends, Amilcar turns on him, too. All three of the men, sporting several small cuts, surround Amilcar. He holds the knife out, trying to defend himself like a rabid animal.
After a few seconds of this, he turns and flees.
EXT. TRAILER PARK - LATER
Carmen sits on the front steps of her trailer as the sun sets. A POLICE CAR rolls up in front of her, and she stands up, expecting it. An OFFICER gets out.
OFFICER: Hey, Carmen.
She points. A few hundred yards away, Amilcar is passed out face down on the ground. Spurts of blood are on his shirt. His words are barely audible, as he drunkenly whispers into the earth:
AMILCAR: ... serpents... serpents and lies...
OFFICER: Where does he keep getting these knives?
CARMEN: They're not knives, he just stole a handful of Indian arrowheads from the museum gift shop when we chaperoned our son's field trip two months ago.
The officer shakes his head and walks over to retrieve Amilcar. Gaspar appears out of his trailer across the street and comes over to greet Carmen.
GASPAR: Well, its official. They made me trailer park BBQ supervisor. Amilcar is out.
CARMEN: I hate to say it, but its about time.
GASPAR: Maybe now we'll be able to have some fun around here.
They watch as Amilcar is peeled off the ground. As they do, Gaspar puts his arm around Carmen. She doesn't mind. In front of them, a PACK OF WILD DOGS scurries by.
Now, read this:
EXT. TRAILER PARK - DAY
A gathering of neighbors are standing around a BBQ pit. Some meat is roasting. The quiet murmurs of conversation initiating are highlighted by the soothing sound of the fire blazing merrily. A few steps away from the main group stands AMILCAR GUERRA, 38, dark hair and a devilish goatee on his used face. He glares menacingly down the road in front of him.
Behind him, CARMEN, his wife, walks up with an empty beer case.
CARMEN: We're out of beer!
AMILCAR: I know.
He pounds the rest of the beer in his hand and throws it to the ground harshly.
AMILCAR: They just went out to get more.
Carmen stares at her husband, confused.
CARMEN: What--
AMILCAR: Those mother fuckers are getting shitty beer, I know it. I should've gone.
CARMEN: Why would they get shitty beer? They're going to drink it too.
AMILCAR: But they know how much this BBQ means to me and my career as trailer park BBQ supervisor! If I'm misrepresented because they get some cheap piss water, I'm finished! The board's gonna have my ass, Carmen!
Carmen looks over at the party attendees at the BBQ pit. One of them is urinating into it while the others cheer him on. He drunkenly falls into the pit, screaming.
CARMEN: The people who live in this trailer park live here because they've been excommunicated from every other venue you can set foot in, including churches and family events.
Amilcar waves at the group.
AMILCAR: Wonderful day! You guys are number one to this community!
A few of them wave back, smiling, as they attempt to put out the flames that are now all over the guy who had been pissing in the BBQ pit. He rolls back and forth on the ground, screaming. Amilcar turns back to his wife, stone-faced.
AMILCAR: Gaspar, Nery, and Andres have been attempting to usurp my position for four months. One slip up, and they're ready to slither in and declare "martial trailer park law." You know what happens then?
He spreads his arms wide in a dramatic fashion.
AMILCAR: Chaos! Fucking CHAOS! Horses breathing fire, running through our streets! The Army gets in here and starts poking people in the eye! Roving packs of wild dogs become the dominant life form! Man is forced to retreat to his most primitive instincts, hunting mammoths for food, while constructing shelter out of dinosaur bones.
Amilcar's rant ends and he slowly turns to face his wife again.
AMILCAR: Infant mortality rates will sky rocket. All on my watch. I am not prepared to let that happen!
Carmen stares at her husband.
CARMEN: Are you drunk?
Just then, a PICK-UP TRUCK pulls onto the scene, one man driving, GASPAR, and two seated in the bed, NERY and ANDRES. Music blares as they slurp down beers and the truck comes to a sudden halt. The people at the BBQ pit cheer upon the arrival and abandon putting the guy on ground out, heading over for the beer re-supply truck.
Amilcar stares. Carmen tries to grab his arm, but he pulls away. Slowly marching over to the truck, his evil, penetrating stare does not leave the three amigos. Gaspar, Nery, and Andres are passing out beers to the crowd surrounding them, and Amilcar grabs one out somebody's hand. He takes a deep drink, and his EYES go wide with rage.
AMILCAR: You slithering SERPENTS!
The party goes silent with confusion at the bizarre accusation. Gaspar looks down at the angry Amilcar.
GASPAR: Excuse me?
AMILCAR: This beer tastes like watered-down diarrhea. Are you trying to turn this BBQ into a mass grave?!
Gaspar SIGHS, weary.
GASPAR: Amilcar, not again. You asked us to go get beer. We went and got beer. I'd have let you come, but you know you're to be arrested on sight if you set foot in the distributor again. Remember? Remember when you tried to drown that stock boy in a half-keg because he sneezed at you from across the store?
Amilcar laughs uproariously.
AMILCAR: No one believes your lies, Gaspar, or the sinuous actions of your pathetic cohorts! These people want to to enjoy themselves, not wonder whether or not they've got tapeworms!
GUY WITH BEER: I already have tapeworms.
Andres takes a step forward.
ANDRES: Maybe you better just settle down, Amil--
Amilcar pulls a SMALL KNIFE out of his pocket and STABS Andres in the hand. The blade is too weak to do any real damage, and Amilcar takes a swipe across Andres' chest as well. Andres is more annoyed than wounded.
ANDRES: What the f--did you just try to murder me?
Nery takes a step forward.
NERY: Hey man, that's not cool--
Amilcar turns on him and in a flurry of stabbing motions, brings the knife down on Nery, and as Gaspar jumps off the truck to aid his friends, Amilcar turns on him, too. All three of the men, sporting several small cuts, surround Amilcar. He holds the knife out, trying to defend himself like a rabid animal.
After a few seconds of this, he turns and flees.
EXT. TRAILER PARK - LATER
Carmen sits on the front steps of her trailer as the sun sets. A POLICE CAR rolls up in front of her, and she stands up, expecting it. An OFFICER gets out.
OFFICER: Hey, Carmen.
She points. A few hundred yards away, Amilcar is passed out face down on the ground. Spurts of blood are on his shirt. His words are barely audible, as he drunkenly whispers into the earth:
AMILCAR: ... serpents... serpents and lies...
OFFICER: Where does he keep getting these knives?
CARMEN: They're not knives, he just stole a handful of Indian arrowheads from the museum gift shop when we chaperoned our son's field trip two months ago.
The officer shakes his head and walks over to retrieve Amilcar. Gaspar appears out of his trailer across the street and comes over to greet Carmen.
GASPAR: Well, its official. They made me trailer park BBQ supervisor. Amilcar is out.
CARMEN: I hate to say it, but its about time.
GASPAR: Maybe now we'll be able to have some fun around here.
They watch as Amilcar is peeled off the ground. As they do, Gaspar puts his arm around Carmen. She doesn't mind. In front of them, a PACK OF WILD DOGS scurries by.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
